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I'm a senior software dev at a new job. Company has fewer than 30 employees. As I write this post, I've just finished my second day of work.

Most everyone is also very experienced. They're friendly and welcoming except the CTO who was one of my interviewers: each day, he's written something to me publicly on a message board which was demeaning or hostile. (We work remotely.)

Day 1: I commented on an issue I've been assigned and mention that I'm thinking about how to test for it; that I don't see tests for the function I need to modify, and I have an idea. He replies:

there are clearly tests for this - file xxxx_yyyy.z.

He apologizes a little later because he realized he hadn't yet merged in the branch with those tests.

Day 2: I found that the test suite requires over an hour to run. I have a morning conversation on a message board w/ another co-worker about what could be done, and he tells me about an improved test setup that I can use. I thank him. Then, the problem co-worker arrives at work, and adds the comment:

We already have (improved test setup) in place

So use it

The only pattern I can see is that both issues have to do with our software tests.

I don't know how to handle this because,

1. That last sentence, "So use it", is way over the line for rudeness. For me, it's a conversation ender, not starter. I don't think a person who says that is "available" as a partner to work things out.


2. I've seen something similar at a previous job: a manager who continually thought I hadn't done my assigned task, although I had, and had communicated it to her in her preferred channels. She simply accused first, and read later. I imagined that she built up this incorrect image of me as unreliable. And this co-worker at the present company seems to have the same quirk.


3. He's not my supervisor (he manages a different team, but he's obviously influential in the company.

My first idea was to Skype with him and let him know that I find his language "a little rough".

A good friend disagrees, though, and says "if I'm really bothered", then I should go to my boss and present it in an easygoing manner. Try to figure out if he has a reputation for being "rough" like this.

I feel like I'm being hazed or groomed for abuse. And that this influential person is developing a negative internal image of me for no good reason.

Should I talk to my boss?

This is toxic behaviour - and is unfortunately, not uncommon.

I feel like I'm being hazed or groomed for abuse.

You're probably not wrong.

However, an alternative reading of the situation is that this guy is a bit abrupt, perhaps a bit rude, but not out and out bullying.

I've experienced bullying behaviour a couple of times in my career, so here's my take on it.

Some ineffective approaches

• "Just ignore him/Don't him so seriously/That's just the way they are"

Usually when this kind of behaviour happens, and other people notice, know that it's bad - and will offer this as a kind of reassurance.

Maybe for some people this works, but I think it's a matter of personal temperament. And I think that the kind of person who can just ignore this kind of behaviour are likely not going to be the target of a bully - bullies instinctively target people with a particular personality.

• Change your behaviour to appease them.

The idea is, if you perhaps change the wording of your emails, or whatever, then the person will be happy and you can move forward.

Ultimately - this just has you feeling like you're walking on eggshells, and it isn't a nice experience for you.

I recommend reading about the Cycle of Abuse to understand some of the dynamics here.

My advice

You need to nip this in the bud, whether or not this is a bullying situation.

I would suggest:

• Talking to your manager, basically the same way you've written here. I would suggest saying something like you're not sure if this is a bullying situation - but it's something that needs to be managed before it develops into something toxic.

Some reasoning:

• Unchecked bullying can spoil the culture of an organisation - as other people see that behaviour as normal and do it also.


• It can damage the wellbeing of employees.


• Stifle creativity.

etc.

Also: Don't take it as granted that your manager will be helpful. A lot of managers are conflict-averse rubberstamps who would prefer to stay out it. If your manager isn't being effective, go to their manager.

And then, zooming forward a couple of months, if things aren't improving, just look for a new job. It's not worth staying in an awful one. In fact, put some feelers out for a new job now. It's nice to know what your options are.